A Reflection on Two Whole Years

TWO! The first two years of my twenties, my last two years of college. Two entire trips around the sun, dedicating my free time to a single thing… and to building a life that I didn’t realize I was building.

My blog, my baby… Kailee in the Kitchen is two years old today.

This outlet came as a result of my weakness displaying itself as creativity, curiosity. I found myself in the kitchen, searching for ways to make food better — a word that is so subjective. Better, then, to me meant better quality, healthier, lighter, more filling, more sustainable. It was a way to eat a burger that wasn’t a quarter pounder packed with sodium. A way to eat cookies whenever I wanted because they were “healthy.” A way to fill my endless appetite with foods that were labeled “guilt free.”

I hate that.

Almost as much as I love it… and am grateful for it.

Looking back, I’m able to love the fact that my weakness was used by God in a way that shed light on truth while keeping me creative.

I was terrified of unhealthy foods and obsessed with the concept of health on all levels. My discipline was regarded as a “desirable” trait that my friends and family wish they had. When I said I wish I weren’t so obsessed with eating healthy and working out, they asked me to give them some of that obsession. They didn’t understand where I was speaking from, that my complaints were coming from a place of weakness and not of strength.

I wouldn’t (couldn’t) shut up about food. The answer to any smell my family was hit with when walking in the door was “it must be Kailee in the kitchen!” My obsession with food kept me locked in a headspace where, when I wasn’t actually cooking, I was talking about what I wanted to cook or how great what I cooked earlier was… and how healthy it was, too.

I could not shut up about it.

“You should make a blog! So you can put all your recipes in one place and share them with people!”

Was the my family’s way of getting me off their back? Maybe. Praise Jesus for the fact that my annoying food-talk pushed them to push me.

I did it… and suddenly voice took to new ears.

My family and my friends are God’s greatest gift to me. I mean that with every cell in my body. And they get it now, don’t worry. My biggest supports, forever they’ll be.

They just couldn’t understand what I was going through because they’d never gone through it, nor had they seen me go through an identity crisis before (really, I think that’s the easiest way to explain it — identity crisis).

I was the dancer. For my entire life, that was me.

That is, until my freshman year of university, I quit my school’s team. I couldn’t stomach it anymore. My competitive dance career was over in my heart and I had to match that with my reality. Quitting was another big blessing in my life. I cried a lot (mainly from the relief, but also from the confusion at who I was and what the heck I was supposed to say when people asked why I quit, why I didn’t love it anymore).

A few months passed with me floating through identity purgatory. This is when I dove into my new identity: the healthy one. February 2018, I made it internet-official and became the food blogger.

It’s a multifaceted space, I ought to admit. I’d be minimizing how transformative this passion-project has been for me if I were to simply call it a blog. I’ve fallen in love with food photography, with food writing, with the community I’ve created online and the messages I get from people telling me I inspired their meal (even their breakfasts as simple as oats). It almost feels like a web of good things. All wound up into one good thing. That’s what this has been for me.

Not a single hobby, but an abundance of really fantastic things all umbrella-ed into one. A journey with lots of pitstops, direction changes, and questions like “how the heck did I end up here?”

Two years have gone by. Two years filled with writing, photography, and recipes. Filled with travel, new people — friends and mentors — new jobs, newly defined career paths, and of course, faith.

I can’t even begin to describe how overwhelmed I am looking back at the past two years of my life.

I’m someone totally entirely different the girl who sat here, years ago, clicking publish on a website domain that was equally as cheesy as it was exciting.

The people I’ve met from starting this whole shindig have become a part of my community. The work I’ve done, the skills I’ve developed, the opportunities I’m given and the lessons I’ve learned… it’s all overwhelming.

I’m still asking myself how I got here, how I met the people I’ve met and made the memories I’ve made. I couldn’t be more grateful.

This version of who I am, this version of Kailee (who, yes, still loves being in the kitchen, but has a better mindset and better recipes), makes me really proud. I look at myself today, two years further into the making, and can’t help but see all the people, moments, and chances that have poured into my getting here.

Two whole years.

Two years has so much room for love and growth and realizing the what-ifs.

I really feel like I made the most of that time. Aware of all the love, of how far I’ve come, and of all the blessings that I’ve been given... I simply cannot look back on the past two years of my life without seeing the whole of it.

I’m so grateful.